Defining Good

"Be good."  It's a statement that is heard in my family all of the time.  Each of us hears it from my parents depending on what we are up to.  I tend to hear it most when headed into social situations with folks who I'd prefer not to spend time with.  Each of us instinctively knows exactly what is being said by those two words.  The whole kit and caboodle of rules, dos, and do nots that are encompassed by those two words.  Even my nephews know the meaning of those two words within the scopes of their lives.

Munchkin doesn't.  He knows the phrase.  He knows that being good means that he doesn't get in trouble.  He knows that being good gets him rewards.  But he has problems understanding what "be good" means.  He doesn't get the broader rules that those two words encompass.  That would be because most children pick up those rules as they grow through toddler hood.    They learn what behaviors got rewards and which ones got punishments.  They learn that rewarded behaviors fall into the "be good" category and punished behaviors fall into the "be bad" category.  Eventually they learn why behaviors fall into those categories and learn to make their own judgements.

Munchkin was lost in his own world during his toddler years.  His mind was learning to deal with the sensory issues and the life stuff that surrounded him.  He didn't really learn good/bad in behaviors.  He just learned to do what he was told when he could break out of his world.

Now Munchkin spends most of his time as part of the real world and occasionally slips back into that world that his brain/body issues can trap him in.  This was already happening when he was in school.  And the side effect was that he would learn different behaviors from observing what his peers did.  He didn't understand good/bad, he just knew that they did it.  And sometimes he would try it.  Sometimes those behaviors hurt so he didn't do it again.  Sometimes those behaviors got him attention and he found the attention was worth more than the punishment or pain. 

Then we started homeschooling.  He got to see what Mommy did all day.  He got to spend a lot of time with typically developing kids.  He got to see real life, not the microcosm of his school classroom.

A lot of negative behaviors disappeared but not all of them.

And through this all, somehow I missed that he truly didn't understand the concept of being good beyond a very very small clue.  Then one day, he was looking me in the eye when I said "be good."  In that split second of time, I saw the confusion flash across his eyes and face.  And I stopped.  He had been "being bad" in the middle of a store.  I realized that somewhere, sometime he had not learned a connection.  So I stopped.  I took a deep breath.  And I started over.  I gave a very specific statement regarding his behavior at that moment.  And he obeyed, although with some reluctance.  :-)

When I got home I did some deep thinking and instituted a new way of doing things.  Before we left the house to do something, I would go over the simple, short list of "being good".  And I would then make sure that he connected "being good" with that list of behaviors.  I also did the same thing for behaviors around the house.  Running in the house was "being bad".  Walking in the house was "being good".  I made sure to make those connections for him.  After a few months of this I no longer had to list the behaviors.  He understands a basic list of "being good" behaviors.  He understands a basic list of "being bad".  That doesn't mean that he always listens, just that he knows.

Those lists are by no means exhausted.  He has become curious about the world around him.  He will imitate what he has seen other people do.  If the action makes people around him smile or laugh, I can guarantee he will do it again.  Sometimes, I have to tell him something is "bad" even if folks laugh.  Like a toddler, those things confuse him.  If he imitates something good, he finds himself getting extra smiles and hugs from Mom.  And occasionally a friend.  He loves that.

But he is my Munchkin and my Mischief.  Some days, when his senses are overloaded, I have to remember to be very calm and very specific.  On those days, knowing it and being able to do it are not in sync for him.  On other days, he will be just like any other child and decided that he doesn't care about "being good" for whatever reason.  But much more frequently, I just have to look at him and say "be good" when he's skirting the edge and he'll look at me, smile, and redirect himself. 

Every once in a while, I'll look at him and see him debating something.  And without me saying or doing a thing, he will stop himself.  In those moments, I see him learning the "why".  Right now it may just be that he knows that it will make Mommy upset.  Or, in some cases, he's come to understand that he might get hurt.  But it's the very beginning edge of learning to make his own judgements and decisions.  And I'm keeping an eye on it.  He's reaching that stage where I might be able to help him make those connections that he'll need to be more independent in a safe and responsible manner.

My Munchkin is growing up.

Definitely Mischief

Lest you think that my son accepted the wheelbarrow saga completely, let me tell you - he didn't.  He just waited until I was in another room and then helped himself to the dish soap which he proceeded to take outside.  He then covered himself and his table in dish soap and had a grand old time.

Dish soap is one of the good/bad conflicts that we have.  When he was much younger his therapists used dish soap and lotions to get him over one of his sensory issues.  He was allowed to play in it.  When he was a little older, they would occasionally allow it at school.  Later he was introduced to bubbles.  Well, he knew where bubbles came from, and he loves them. 

So it falls into the category of a behavior that I can't really discipline him for because for so many years so many people told him not only to do it, but they cheered him on!

And do I need to describe the results when they started teaching him life skills and how to wash a table.  He discovered really quickly how to wet a washcloth and just how many bubbles he could make.  Yet at school he was getting praise for wiping things down with cloths!  There was a failure to communicate the whys, wheres, hows and whens.

So my washcloths are still in hiding.  That may never change but we will see.

But back to dish soap.  Our compromise there has been that he doesn't get into trouble if he plays with the dish soap outside.  Although he is very aware that Mommy doesn't like it.  And for my half, I try to make sure not to leave the dish soap anywhere that he can find.  But when we've had a good long period, I forget.  And I had forgotten today.  So when I looked out the back door to see just what he was up to, I caught sight of the bottle of dish soap being poured out over his table.

Sigh.  I stepped out the door and told him to bring it to me.  Which he did, although slowly and reluctantly.  Because that is our other compromise.  When I catch him with it, he must immediately stop pouring it out and bring it back to me.

And as I turned to go rinse it off and put it up, I caught the sly mischief grin that graced my son's face and said it all.  "Got you back, ma!"

Wheelbarrows and Being Good

Munchkin is becoming more and more determined to be independent.  He comes by the desire honestly.  My family is full of strong independent thinkers and doers.  And it is providing so many incredibly opportunities for teaching him.

It's also providing some amazing arguments as I try to teach him that there are things he cannot do because of the dangers.  One of our longest running arguments this year has been clothing.   There was a short burst when summer began and he didn't want to wear shorts.  We compromised and peace was achieved.  There has been another burst as the cold weather hit.  I think, in the last few days, we've managed to reach another compromise.  He will wear shirts when asked and he gets to pick the shirt.  And he must wear fleece bottoms when he goes out back to play.  For his part, he gets to wear his fuzzy socks whenever he wants to, including when we go out.  He has realized that fuzzy socks and warm slippers are good things when outside in cool weather playing and sneakers are mandatory when we leave the house.

But he just has to try to get around the rules or compromises.  And sometimes it's really hard to be "mean" mom and not to burst out laughing at the same time.  But if I start laughing he will keep doing it.  Oh yes, my child has learned to use amusement, hugs, kisses, tickles and snuggles to try to get his way.  And I've had to learn to present a neutral or firm reaction no matter how amused I am.

Today we had an argument over the wheelbarrow.  He wanted it on the trampoline.  I didn't.  He thought that this was something he could get around.  He couldn't.  It's a risk to him, it's not happening.  So we ended up in the house on a time out, without his table, which triggered whole new levels of tantrum.  And yes, it was tantrum not meltdown.  After he took about an hour to realize that I wasn't going to change my mind, and no amount of antics was going to help him, he finally reached a stage where he would listen and respond.  Well, he would listen and respond after he truly realized that no amount of snuggling, kissing, tickling, etc. was going to manipulate Mommy.  The moment that he was truly ready to hear me was when he looked at me and said "I bad."  He didn't ask, he stated.  So I explained why for him.

(No lectures on the child being bad vs. the action being bad.  I know the difference.  I tell him the difference on a regular basis.  He does not have the language skills yet to state it any other way.)

The trick here for me is to put the rules, and explanations, in a really simple form that he can understand.  And "because I said so" does not work in any way, shape, or form anymore.  So in short brief sentences, I explained that the wheel barrow could tear the trampoline.  And if the trampoline tore he could be hurt when he fell through. Yes, I completely left out the information of the trampoline then being gone for good and he wouldn't have it.  That was too much for this session.

Then we hit the truly tricky part.  I told Munchkin that he needed to be good.  And I defined "good" as not putting the wheelbarrow on the trampoline.  I then told him that he could only go outside if he would be good.  And I asked him if he would be good.

Oh my ,the avoidance that came up then.  He wouldn't look me in the eyes.  He tried to cuddle more.  He tried kisses.  Each time I would stop him, make him look at me, and ask him again "Will you be good?".  Now realize that for him, right now, if he tells me he will be good he will try very hard to do so.  And he so didn't want to be good in this instance.  At one point he looked at me and said "no".  And I told him "then you can't go back outside" and walked away.  He promptly came and grabbed me and pulled me back.  After another few minutes of hemming and hawing, he said "yeah".  I promptly told him "okay you can go outside" and pointed to the back door.  It took him about a minute to decide that I really meant it and head out the back door.

I followed.  I know my son.  He was ecstatic that he had his table back.  And it took about 5 minutes for him to remember the wheelbarrow.  He came back to it slowly, pretending that he was just going in the house.  And he got slower and slower as he walked past it.  Then he stopped and a hand reached out.  And then Mommy's voice spoke his name and reminded him that he was being good.  He looked at Mommy, looked at the wheelbarrow and walked back to play in the treehouse without anymore prompting.  And Mommy moved the wheelbarrow to a spot where it's not hidden, but not readily visible, so that he will have to think about being bad in order to go get it.  So far, he is being good.

And then I came in and had a bittersweet moment.  Yes, this is something toddler's learn but he hadn't learned it at that age.  He's learning it now.  And my little boy is growing up just a little more.

Observing

I discovered something about Munchkin a few months ago.  He didn't have a vocabulary for the things he observes in the world around him.  Words like squishy, crinkly, hot, cold, soft, hard, shiny, etc. didn't have a mental connection with the real world physical examples of those things.

Now, this is not because folks haven't tried to teach him.  They have.  But over time, apparently, they gave up.  So it wasn't really part of his lessons.  I can't say that I didn't give up as well.  I didn't do it consciously but as he got bigger and outgrew toddler stuff, those things faded as well.  Mainly because it is something that typical kids learn as toddlers.  Now that I'm trying to do science with him, this lack was glaringly apparent.

When I was reviewing science curriculum, one of the authors had a section in her foreword that told parents not to expect too much from their toddler children.  Most of the experiments in the book were to teach them what they were observing so that they could use that knowledge as they got older.  Young kids don't have the skills to predict things that they have yet to observe in some way, shape or form.

So I paired that with the knowledge that Munchkin hadn't learned the vocabulary to describe his observations.  This year we are focusing on observing, and learning the words for what we observe.  Sometimes it's in the house, other times it's outside.  Sometimes it's the grocery store, other times it's the Botanical Gardens.  Sometimes it's a planned "experiment", other times it's whatever we find.

Science this year is to teach Munchkin to "listen and hear" what his different senses are telling his brain and what words to associate with those signals.  It's not easy.  And often we can only do one sense at a time.  For example, he can't "see" how shiny something is and "feel" how hard it is.  The switch between inputs to focus on is too distracting for him.  So I pick one or the other to focus on at the time.  If we are feeling things, then we focus on feeling things.  If we are seeing things, then we focus on seeing things.  Same for smell and taste.

I'll be honest.  I'm frequently not sure if he makes the connection because he is nonverbal.  While we have his communicator with us, right now it adds a level of difficulty that breaks his focus.  I do know that on good days, we can review whatever we have been doing and he will get things right about 80% of the time.  On a bad day, he's too overload to review anything.  And while he loves viewing the videos of himself doing different things, he doesn't show any signs of making those connections when viewing the video.  That may be because of the pure distraction of watching himself on video.

What I do know, thanks to other events, is that he is indeed learning to observe the world around him.  Or perhaps I should say, the people around him.

We will keep working on it.  With all the other things he's shown, I'm sure the knowledge is getting in there.  One day, when I least expect it, he will prove it to me.

Incidental Learning

Munchkin has been doing a lot of incidental learning the last few months.  Or I should probably say years.  But it's really showing the last few months.

One of the big things he's discovered is how others feel, and the desire to do something about it.  For him that is a massive step.  The example I'll use is the one that made me "open my eyes" to what was happening.

I was having a rough day because I had a headache.  Munchkin wanted to pounce me and had followed me to the kitchen to do so.  I stopped him by putting my hand out and saying "No.  I have a headache."  I've taken to adding explanations to my statements because I realized that Munchkin understood some of them.  What he did next truly stunned me.  He promptly turned around and went throughout the house turning off all the lights.  Every. Single. Light.  Then he came and gave me a hug and went back to the living room to watch his movie.

Now, the lights weren't the headache trigger for me.  But they are a headache trigger for him.  And if you have a child with autism you know what big leaps he showed in those actions.  And  I talked with him a little bit later about what he could do to help mommy with her headache.  I supposed that I really shouldn't be amazed that he heard (and processed) what I said and tried to do it.  But I am.  He tried to be quiet for the rest of the night.  And when he'd get noisy, he'd stop himself after a few minutes, look at me and say "quiet" in his quiet voice and go back to being quiet.  He got so many extra hugs for the trying.

I don't know how often that knowledge will connect for him but so far it's connected rather frequently.  He has tried to help calm a crying baby that he knows.  He has given hugs when someone seems upset.  He is making connections to those around him.  And even more importantly, he is coming to comprehend that others feel differently than he does.

Now that was incidental learning that I had very little to do with.  Munchkin learned that all on his own.  But recently we had a situation which is helping me to teach him about the weather.  And teach him in a manner that he truly understands what he is learning.

One day he was upset and crying in his room on the floor.  Not a tantrum or a meltdown, just an I'm upset/hurt type of crying.  Since he had done this the day before as well, and I hadn't been able to figure out the cause, I stopped what I was doing immediately and just went and sat down in his room.  I waited for him to acknowledge that I was there and give me signs that he wanted to communicate.  When he did I asked him a few yes/no questions. 

It really helps that yes/no are pretty solid (in one form or another) nowadays.  When he is upset he will use the words.  Within a few minutes I had discovered that he wanted to go outside to play and thought he couldn't.  He hadn't been able to play outside when he wanted over the last few days because the weather had either been too cold or rainy.  He really wanted to play outside.  Playing outside is his way of burning off excess energy and frustration.  Anyways, I told him that he could go outside and got the "really" look.  So I took the time to explain "weather" to him. 

I explain "weather" regularly if I tell him he can't go outside  But apparently this was just the perfect situation for it to truly sink in and for him to be interested in learning more.  So we went outside and I explained more.  I kept it toddler simple for now and he seemed to really be hearing what I was saying and processing it.  So, since the door is open, I will keep reviewing the basics whenever we go outside.  And when he's gotten a good grasp on that, I'll see about adding in lessons on the appropriate clothes for different types of weather.

I think that the science lessons on observing things are helping in both these things.  While I've been focusing on teaching him to pay attention to how things feel/taste/smell/look, he's been using that for more than his lessons.  Which I find interesting because I wasn't sure that he was getting much out of those lessons.  Apparently he is, he just isn't showing it in the lessons.  I really don't know why that surprises me anymore.

Well I'm off to see what other things he can learn while not letting me know that he's learning them.  It will be interesting to see what happens in the future.