"Be good." It's a statement that is heard in my family all of the time. Each of us hears it from my parents depending on what we are up to. I tend to hear it most when headed into social situations with folks who I'd prefer not to spend time with. Each of us instinctively knows exactly what is being said by those two words. The whole kit and caboodle of rules, dos, and do nots that are encompassed by those two words. Even my nephews know the meaning of those two words within the scopes of their lives.
Munchkin doesn't. He knows the phrase. He knows that being good means that he doesn't get in trouble. He knows that being good gets him rewards. But he has problems understanding what "be good" means. He doesn't get the broader rules that those two words encompass. That would be because most children pick up those rules as they grow through toddler hood. They learn what behaviors got rewards and which ones got punishments. They learn that rewarded behaviors fall into the "be good" category and punished behaviors fall into the "be bad" category. Eventually they learn why behaviors fall into those categories and learn to make their own judgements.
Munchkin was lost in his own world during his toddler years. His mind was learning to deal with the sensory issues and the life stuff that surrounded him. He didn't really learn good/bad in behaviors. He just learned to do what he was told when he could break out of his world.
Now Munchkin spends most of his time as part of the real world and occasionally slips back into that world that his brain/body issues can trap him in. This was already happening when he was in school. And the side effect was that he would learn different behaviors from observing what his peers did. He didn't understand good/bad, he just knew that they did it. And sometimes he would try it. Sometimes those behaviors hurt so he didn't do it again. Sometimes those behaviors got him attention and he found the attention was worth more than the punishment or pain.
Then we started homeschooling. He got to see what Mommy did all day. He got to spend a lot of time with typically developing kids. He got to see real life, not the microcosm of his school classroom.
A lot of negative behaviors disappeared but not all of them.
And through this all, somehow I missed that he truly didn't understand the concept of being good beyond a very very small clue. Then one day, he was looking me in the eye when I said "be good." In that split second of time, I saw the confusion flash across his eyes and face. And I stopped. He had been "being bad" in the middle of a store. I realized that somewhere, sometime he had not learned a connection. So I stopped. I took a deep breath. And I started over. I gave a very specific statement regarding his behavior at that moment. And he obeyed, although with some reluctance. :-)
When I got home I did some deep thinking and instituted a new way of doing things. Before we left the house to do something, I would go over the simple, short list of "being good". And I would then make sure that he connected "being good" with that list of behaviors. I also did the same thing for behaviors around the house. Running in the house was "being bad". Walking in the house was "being good". I made sure to make those connections for him. After a few months of this I no longer had to list the behaviors. He understands a basic list of "being good" behaviors. He understands a basic list of "being bad". That doesn't mean that he always listens, just that he knows.
Those lists are by no means exhausted. He has become curious about the world around him. He will imitate what he has seen other people do. If the action makes people around him smile or laugh, I can guarantee he will do it again. Sometimes, I have to tell him something is "bad" even if folks laugh. Like a toddler, those things confuse him. If he imitates something good, he finds himself getting extra smiles and hugs from Mom. And occasionally a friend. He loves that.
But he is my Munchkin and my Mischief. Some days, when his senses are overloaded, I have to remember to be very calm and very specific. On those days, knowing it and being able to do it are not in sync for him. On other days, he will be just like any other child and decided that he doesn't care about "being good" for whatever reason. But much more frequently, I just have to look at him and say "be good" when he's skirting the edge and he'll look at me, smile, and redirect himself.
Every once in a while, I'll look at him and see him debating something. And without me saying or doing a thing, he will stop himself. In those moments, I see him learning the "why". Right now it may just be that he knows that it will make Mommy upset. Or, in some cases, he's come to understand that he might get hurt. But it's the very beginning edge of learning to make his own judgements and decisions. And I'm keeping an eye on it. He's reaching that stage where I might be able to help him make those connections that he'll need to be more independent in a safe and responsible manner.
My Munchkin is growing up.
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